Rumination On A Day Gone By

Ed Note: Tonight I noticed this post, headlined in green & still labeled "DRAFT" in my trusty Blogger Dashboard. Huh. Well.
So I never actually wrapped it up and POSTED the dad-gum thing?! Sometimes, even I am surprised by my apalling lack of follow-through.
Here, then, is a delayed response to Sept. 21 -- a day that could have rallied much more reflection & response from me, I'm sure, but due to long blogging neglect is now only dimly memorable. All I can say now is it was some day last month... and, my, but it didn't seem to be a good one.


It's been a while since I slumped at the keyboard, drooling over the little letters, crossing my eyes and wondering how to push uphill the immesaureably heavy stone that is time.

But that day has come.

I don't exactly name this malaise "depression" -- cause I tend to recall, that feels a lot suckier. I do name it not a nice feeling. Yesterday, I got into a verbal snit with a customer. (Pause while I refrain from typing nasty thoughts about said customer, but imagine me RIGHT NOW, just recalling the snit, with a little cartoon squiggle of black above my head.) And I've been out of sorts ever since.

I believe the problem is: I need to REEEALLY come unhinged. I need to have some sort of throw-down, emotive, cathartic, hissy fit where I am indignant and outraged and gesticulate wildly.

...Only I can't find anyone to be legitimately mad at.

I had this moment, yesterday, where some jerk with a pushy attitude, no manners and a ridiculous line of argument was "wrong" and I was "right." And I felt so justified standing up to him and expressing my irritation. Then I was told I can never be so honest with customers.

Fine. (sigh.)

Sure. (shrug.)

Only: When doI get to feel how I feel? I understand the management perspective. I really do. We work for these (crazy) customers. It is our job to suck it up. I used to toil away in a newroom where fellow copy editors and city desk writers regularly hurled the F-bomb at each other, so I get why it is good to control our baser reactions and remain adult about things. I quite prefer an F'ing-free workplace. (Well, mostly.) But even on the job... I DO have personal reactions. I am not an automatron (no, I didn't look it up and no, I'm not sure it's a word). I need to censor some parts of me for my profession, sure. Everybody does. But, bottom line: Why can't I -- while not using any over-the-top language or personal insults -- occasionally EXPRESS MY-FREAKIN-SELF?

It is perhaps time for a day off.

Sadly, none is on the horizon. I AM due to get a new piece of furniture delivered tomorrow, and that should require me to unplug from the phone for a while. After that, I have a quick week and half before the big business trip of the year -- spring market in Chicago. I'll be gone 6 days (or for my entire business-appropriate wardrobe, however you want to measure). I think it will be great to get away. I'll miss my boys, absolutely, but anything to break the tedium....

If any are so inclined to share good will and good thoughts, maybe one could wish me Godspeed and a string of good-hair days. (Which I will need to distract the fashionistas from my not-this-season's shoes and my mangled home manicure.) Oh, and maybe someone should start praying that I don't have my long-awaited throw-down in full view of the entire industry. (Windy City, indeed! I bet I could give those jaw-flappin' politicians a run for their money.....)