Dark Night

I've been playing Marbles online for 49 minutes. As I would quickly point out to son Miles, it's not play time. It's sleepy time.

But I'm not sleepy.

I just can't sleep.

I can't seem to write, either, so I'm stuck playing games and surfing (is it even called that anymore? I am hopelessly behind the real geeks) until I calm down.

I have 4 draft posts that I could polish. But I'm not so much in a "Walk Humbly" frame of mind just now. In fact, I feel the need to interrupt the regular flow of thoughts here because I'm feeling much more "fruitility" than humility right now.

I looked at the baby clothes at JC Penney this weekend.

I didn't mean to! Honest! I was just walking from the big boys' department (where I found the shortest wait-to-pay line) to the shoe department (nearest where I parked my car... as I can never recall the layout of exterior doors to interior departments). Miles was with me, and I was in a hurry. I paused for only the briefest moment in front of the Carter's display.

I wanted to touch them.

All those sweet, small, unblemished outfits for sleeping and sitting and waiting on the growth. All that 100% cotton possibility....

I wanted so badly to reach out and touch the clothes. But I knew I shouldn't. No hot stoves, and no baby clothes. Learned responses, those are. Both acts of self-preservation.

I hate that something as freakin' ridiculous as 0-12 month rompers can make me this sad. Still. So sad.

I am so very sad.

And my heart can't feel its way back right now.