And now we are three.

For a little while, we were four.

Our young family, that is. We who used to number three had grown to four. And we were so delighted. Secretly delighted.

We were going to have a baby. A brand-spankin' new little person! Finally, our second child. (To me, a mysterious and mostly mythical creature not unlike the unicorn. Glimpses were rare and knowledge was sketchy. A second child? I've heard of them. Not sure about that breed, though. How does one arrive at two, when the first required a complete life makeover and is still such a full-time job?)

But we arrived. And we were finally a complete family. For about 12 weeks. Seven that we knew about.

The baby's heart stopped beating sometime around week 8. But my body didn't want to let go. So, yesterday, I woke up at 4 a.m., checked into a hospital at 5, and had my insides scraped out to salvage my suffering womb.

It sounds very dramatic, doesn't it?

Actually, it's completely common and far from the end of the world. Women lose babies in about 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies. Women have more babies later, with no complications. I'll be one of those women. I have faith.

It just hurts.

Because we all lost something.

And, I suspect, what we lost would have been so very dear.

Today, it feels kind of like my heart had a D&C, too. It's all raw and scraped on the inside.

I am the luckiest girl I know, to have what I have and whom I have in my life. I am not alone. We are three, remember? ...But I so wanted us to be four!


Dear God,
Please mend my wounded places. Heal my hurts and hide my family in the shadow of your wings. Thank you for being my God. Thank you for this day and for every ragged breath.

I've always loved this Newsboys song. Today, it's all I can do to repeat the words. But I want them to speak for me.

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

And blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your name


My heart chooses to bless and not curse. To hurt and not grow bitter. To press on. And my heart knows that I will be given more than is ever taken away....