Stop Light Theology

I was just thinking about traffic lights. I was thinking how much I dislike them. And the silly things I do to avoid them.

(That one at Paluxy and the Loop, especially. NIGHTMARE! But I digress...)

Sometimes, I turn to the right just to avoid waiting at a red light. It'll mean more driving -- oh I know! -- but I'd somehow rather stay in motion than stay on the correct path.

My spiritual life is just about like that. Lot of right turns, even when I'm pretty sure straight would serve me better.

I just don't find it easy, any more, to pause my mind... to full-stop and wait. My soul's tendency is to stay in motion. Yet, I know that I also tend to take lots of wrong turns without pause for reflection.

My head can make a tidy little connection here -- I need short pauses to reflect, while red lights provide just such short pauses. But my gut says, "let's be honest... prolly not gonna happen." (And, yes, my gut speaks colloquially.)

I have to confess, I'm just not the kind of girl who is zen enough to use each traffic stop as "found time" to reflect and pray. I'm not so big on "found time," at any time, at this stage in life.

I go, go, go (sometimes in circles) and then I mentally stall. That's how I roll in 2010.

I am the girl who turns right once, then left twice to get past a roughly 4-block area of backed up cars... in my medium-sized town of "Oh, You Ain't Seen Traffic Yet!"

...Where is the holy in that personality trait, I wonder?

Because, see, I'm assuming that to wait in perfect patience would be the much holier choice. And I'm kind of mentally berating myself right now. Patience is a virtue, right? 1 Corin. 13: "Love is patient, love is kind..."

So where does that put me, one who abhors waits and wants fervently to keep the wheels rolling?

I try. Look, I do!

I slow down, you know. And I stop for the signs. I just don't like the unknown waiting time of a re.... Ohhhhhh! So that's what this is about?!

We're back to me and my control thing. More plainly, my need to control things. Just my humanity, comin' out. How simple was that? Strange I never put it together until I wrote it all down.

And so here's the holy I'm craving more of, I now figure: If I can see where I fall short of the glory, then I can ask for a little more of it. Alone, I probably can't change how I am -- even down to a small, daily habit of greater patience. As devout as I get, I'll still be me. But maybe I don't need to change that much. Maybe it ISN'T the more excellent way for me to find a mantra or breathe deeply when I'm the 8th car back. I think, maybe, change doesn't have to be that hard.

Maybe I can just remember how much I need Jesus' presence -- before I get cranky and lose my cool. Maybe I can be just a little less me and a little more Him. Maybe Jesus understands why long red lights crawl under my skin. And maybe he can make me laugh while we wait.