Seeking

Why am I a girl who hates easy answers? Why do I ask so many questions? And, if I know I can't know, why do I still assume so much?

Look, I try! (Wait. Do I try? Enough? Does God know I'm trying? Because if I am, He'll know. And if He doesn't know, I'm probably not. Trying. Enough. Sigh...)

But I walk around thinking I'm trying... To see what is right. And to do it. To love mercy. To walk humbly with my God. And today I'm completely fed up with the trying and the trying, haltingly and imperfectly though it goes, and not feeling any closer to the life I really want to lead.

Enough failing! Enough flailing! Just... enough. For today, anyway. Today I have no more "try" in me, and I only want to hide out on my couch with a blanket over my soul.

What I really, really want today is to feel like I'm one of my kids, wedged into the coziest corner next to the plushy armrest, snuggled in against a great big God who loves me.

And here is the problem. All that "trying" I do doesn't necessarily bring me any closer to the one and only God. Often, it only drives us apart.

Because, you see, I'm always trying, trying, to do it myself.

...When will I ever learn? Forget the try. Just "do" and "don't," as each condition occurs, every step of the way bathed and breathed in talk with God. That's the what! (Or, in the parlance of my friend Katelyn, maybe the "what-what!") If I'm truly seeking, and peace is the object of my desire, the only chance I have is to leave my "try" behind.

I forget this lesson, a lot. But sometimes I am lucky enough to stop, in the very middle of an ordinarily crappy day, and process words long until my muddled mood starts to make sense to myself. I write, and things clear. I remember. And thus I renew my conversation.

God be with me, in this day. Help me not to try. Allow me to do and not to do. That is all.